Friday, August 05, 2011

Something's Gotta Give

Quality of life for me has been noticeably lower this year. Injuries, aches, pains have increased in both frequency and duration. Currently, I'm dealing with some lower back pain. I firmly believe this increase in morbidities are due to my morbid obesity--the demon I've never been able to shake.

At any rate, the net result is something of a vicious cycle: I don't feel like exercising because x body part hurts, so I don't exercise even when I feel I could get my butt down to the gym. Instead, I turn to my old pal, food, for a little pop in my brain that makes me forget/feel comforted, even if only for less than a minute. The irony is that exercise, while I hate the boredom of it, actually produces longer lasting and higher quality euphoria.

I have looked into weight loss surgery, and in the end will probably choose to go through with it as a weight loss tool. It is the only thing I've observed in my life that actually has data that shows the weight stays off--and for me, nothing else really matters.

About 7 years ago I lost over 100 lbs using the Weight Watchers method. Of course it worked, but the key for me was tracking the number of calories, fat and fiber you eat everyday. Obviously, very few people sustain that kind of pedantic record-keeping for the long haul, even if you have easy access to the information. (If someone knows differently, please comment.)

Since that 100lb loss, I have gained all of it back and more. There are some psychological drivers at work here that I'm working on with a therapist, but I strongly doubt that talking to a head shrink will result in a permanent shrinkage of my waistline. (Bad pun. Sorry.) Something's gotta give. I'm 38 years old, but feel like I'm 83.

I frequently feel that if "I could only lose the weight," then I'd have fewer problems. This might be one of the issues I should explore with my therapist. It doesn't make sense. But I do think that I'd have more energy. I'd be less afraid to do something that requires sustained physical activity, like spending all day on my feet at an amusement park.